Worst lyrics ever

20: “If I was a sculptor
But then again, no”
–Elton John’s ‘Your Song’
(lyrics by Bernie Taupin)

Well, then stop bringing it up already! This line has been wasting our time for three decades.

“Lucky that my breasts
Are small and humble
So you don’t confuse
Them with mountains”
–Shakira’s ‘Whenever, Wherever’

The woman makes a lot of sense. And lucky that Sacagawea wasn’t more buxom or Lewis and Clark might not have found the Pacific.

“I love you like
A fat kid loves cake”
–50 Cent’s ’21 Questions’

Gangsta, schmangsta — brotha should write Hallmark cards.

“There’s an insect
In your ear
If you scratch
It won’t disappear”
–U2’s ‘Staring at the Sun’

It’s sure hard to tell that U2 scrambled to finish their ‘Pop’ album. At least Bono didn’t mention “driving rain.”

“Relentless lust
Of rotting flesh
To thrash the tomb she lies
Heathen whore
Of Satan’s wrath
I spit at your demise”
–Slayer’s ‘Necrophiliac’

Never mind 50 Cent, these guys should write Hallmark cards.

“Leaving was never
my proud”
–R.E.M.’s ‘Leaving New York’

Sorry, Michael, but we scoured all of our reference books, and “proud” just doesn’t wash as a noun. Lions do live in prides, but we don’t see the relevance.

“I ain’t never seen
An ass like that
The way you move it
You make my pee-pee go
–Eminem’s ‘Ass Like That’

Undoubtedly poetic stuff, but do pee-pees really go “doing-doing-doing”?

“There were plants
And birds
And rocks
And things”
–America’s ‘Horse With No Name’

Like in New York, nouns are scarce in the desert, and apparently our poor soft rockers simply ran out of them. Too bad they didn’t consult Michael Stipe: “There were plants and birds and rocks and prouds.”

“Time is like a clock
in my heart”
–Culture Club’s ‘Time (Clock of the Heart)’

Awesome analogy. Time is soooo like a clock, because, well, it’s freakin’ time!

“I wish it was Sunday
That’s my fun day
My I-don’t-have-to-run day”
–The Bangles’ ‘Manic Monday’
(lyrics by Prince)

We’re cool with the easy rhymes of Monday to Sunday, and even Sunday to fun day, but “I-don’t-have-to-run day”? No, now Prince is just messing with us.

“I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel”
–Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’
(lyrics by Anne Preven)

Can you say filler line? Like, oh, we get it, this is how you feel — because it’s been so darn long since you told us how you were all out of faith.

“Now you’re amazed
By the VIP posse
Steppin’ so hard
Like a German Nazi”
–Vanilla Ice’s ‘Play That Funky Music’

Dude took the original song’s “white boy” lyrics a little too literally. Good thing he specified German though, because those Austrian Nazis were way too light on their feet.

“My panty line shows
Got a run in my hose
My hair went flat
Man, I hate that”
–Shania Twain’s ‘Honey I’m Home’

Horribly trite stuff … but we do always enjoy the word “panty.”

“I don’t think that I’ve
got the stomach
To stomach calling
you today”
–Saves the Day’s ‘See You’

And we’re betting that this clever emo fella doesn’t have the eyes to eye you, the hands to handle you … or even the mouth to mouth your name. Oh, the humanity!

“Your butt is mine”
–Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’

The worst opening line in pop history. However, we hear it’s huge with the kids in Dubai.

“But if this ever-changing
world in which we live in …”
–Paul McCartney and Wings’ ‘Live and Let Die’

Dangerous combination: Sir Paul having so much money and prepositional phrases being so cheap. Any junior-high English teacher would take points off for everything after “world.”

“Young, black and famous
With money hangin’
Out the anus”
–Puff Daddy and Mase’s ‘Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down’

Sometimes the only things more crude than slang terms are their anatomically correct counterparts.

“I don’t like cities
But I like New York
Other places
Make me feel like a dork”
–Madonna’s ‘I Love New York

So, so true. Which is of course why Paris is so famously known as the City of Dorks.

“War is stupid
And people are stupid”
–Culture Club’s ‘War Song’

Boy George again, and this time he’s illin’ like Bob Dylan. We wrote a song just like this in seventh grade, but the next line was, “And your mom is stupid.”

“Coast to coast
L.A. to Chicago”
–Sade’s ‘Smooth Operator’

Sade was born in Nigeria and grew up in London, but her biggest hit reveals that she’s clearly not a smooth navigator.

12 Comments on “Worst lyrics ever

  1. Vēl:
    Avril Lavinge “Sk8tr Boi”
    “He was a boy, she was a girl/Can I make it any more obvious?”

    This was supposed to be the theme song in “Brokeback Mountain,” until the creators realized she was a girl. Apparently it wasn’t obvious enough.


    Spice Girls, “Wannabe”

    “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
    Ok, no guy is going to say no to that (at least if Gerri turned the lights off.)
    “Make it last forever friendship never ends”
    Okay, girl power, we get it. Don’t really see how it has anything to do with us guys, but fine.
    “If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give”
    Alright, now it’s getting a little annoying. I’m fucking all four of your friends, like you told me to in the first line. What else do you want?
    “Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.”
    Slam your body down and zigazig ah, indeed. And yeah, we know, 1996 called and they want their jokes back.

  2. man patika shis: “Time is like a clock in my heart”
    –Culture Club’s ‘Time (Clock of the Heart)’

    Awesome analogy. Time is soooo like a clock, because, well, it’s freakin’ time!

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